What if James Bond was Gay?: The Full Screenplay

SKIP THE PREAMBLE AND JUST READ IT

A question plagues our generation, it’s a question that keeps us up at night: how can we make beloved symbol of misogyny, colonialism, and Cold War surveillance James Bond woke for the 21st century? What is James Bond in a post-#metoo world? How can we make James Bond even a little consumable in our more enlightened age?

The answer, quite honestly, is we can’t. With Phoebe Waller-Bridge doctoring the script for the new James Bond movie and discussion taking place on how the “Bond Girls” can be brought into the modern era, it feels more and more impossible. We can’t just take James Bond as he is now and make him “woke” somehow. He’s basically a symbol of all that is wrong with the world.

So what if we start fresh? What if it’s James Bond but looked at totally differently? What if ultimately this is not a film about James Bond but about the people around him? And what if, brave reader, James Bond was gay?

Here we attempt to answer all of these questions in a nearly 200 page screenplay of my idea of what the first gay James Bond movie may look like. I wish I could play this off as a joke but nope, I did this entirely in earnest. Do I regret it especially as I used time to write this I should’ve been working on finals? We’ll see once my grades come in. Would I write another? Almost certainly especially because MIKA’s Bond Girl character did not make it into this one.

Anyway here it is a full screenplay that I wrote, not as a bit but entirely seriously, of if James Bond was gay.

Here It Is In Full And In Earnest

Content Warnings: Some implied misogyny, racism, and homophobia, some explicitly misogynistic and homophobic language, discussions of childhood emotional abuse, a d non-explicit discussions of childhood sexual assault

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