It has been a rough semester. I have learned a lot about myself and also I have learned that I want to go home. I am actively supposed to be writing a paper about Gaza due in 24 hours right now. I am procrastinating that by doing this because I cannot stop thinking about any of these photos and I will not know peace if I don’t share them. Hopefully, when this is done I will be able to give a nuanced commentary on the illegal Israeli occupation of the Gaza Strip but let’s just do this until then.
1. This Photo of Lili Reinhart and Cole Sprouse So Unfortunately Nailing Camp at the Met Gala That Also Reveals She Is Wearing Shorts And Not A Dress
I know. It’s embarrassing I watch Riverdale. Thank you I’m aware. It’s also embarrassing how genuinely I have begun to thirst for Lili Reinhart. However. her and Cole Sprouse were undeniably on theme for the Met gala AND Lili was wearing pants. Not a dress, those were little shorts. Later in the night, she put on slacks. The look, so clearly inspired by the Sofia Coppola Marie Antoinette (one of my favorite movies), was like designed to make me just wanna go feral and ignore the three very highly weighted finals I have to work on. I can’t believe this, curse you Lili Reinhart.
2. Ben Whishaw On The Steps Of A Church In London Wearing Overalls And Eating Pudding During The Filming Of A Very English Scandal
To say I feel life envy for Ben Whishaw is an understatement. I think about him and brain just fucking hotwires he is the twink I was robbed of being. In this photo, he is eating chocolate pudding and sitting on the steps of a historic building in overalls and a nice wool sweater with a tiny backpack probably full of used books all in between filming a gay period drama. Twink envy is real and it is VALID. I am currently lying on a mattress stained with menstrual blood delaying writing a paper. Life is unfair.
3. Sophie Turner and Joe Jonas Getting Married By an Elvis Impersonator In Vegas
Not only did Joe Jonas, objectively the hottest Jonas, get to marry Sophie Turner, the dream woman, but he did it in Vegas, off a whim, with an Elvis impersonator, and gave her a ring pop. She is wearing a jumpsuit and they are both in cheap rose-colored sunglasses. Their witnesses were the other Jonas brothers. My sex life consists of getting day drunk at Professor beers and flirting with a classmate who used to draw Hamlet fanart and then have them walk me back to my dorm where I cried to my roommate’s boyfriend about my trauma while he forced me to eat mashed potatoes.
4.This Photo Of Cole Sprouse Where He Looks Frighteningly Like A Young Hugh Grant in the Seminal 1987 Merchant Ivory Classic Maurice
We should not remake Maurice. If we do remake Maurice Matthew Goode should probably play Clive Durham or an unknown but certainly not Cole Sprouse who is a horrifically bad actor and also my enemy. The framing of this photo makes me want to go bury myself in a hole with only my copy of Maurice and a photograph of Rupert Graves as Alec for the rest of eternity. The resemblance between Cole Sprouse and peak Hugh Grant is just unfair on every level and is driving me to murder.
5. Jeremy Irons In The Renovated Irish Castle Where He Lives With His Wife And Dogs
I’ll be honest, it’s the thick wool socks with the timberland slippers that really get me about this picture. Also, the dog sitting beside him also the fact that he just gets to live in a castle forever and I live in a dorm with a flooded shower and boys who consistently break the “no nips” rule. I am probably never going to own a castle or reach Jeremy Irons’s level of composure and grace. He holds that cigarette like a woman in a noir film from the 40s and it’s just unfair.
6. This Picture of Katherine Hepburn
Like Katherine I am free on Thursday if you want to hang please let me know when you are free so then we can hang on Thursday when I am free. Truly one of those intense “do I want to fuck her or be her” energy like it’s on my “gender” board on Pinterest but also it is the biggest thirst trap I have ever seen. Jesus Christ.
7. Annie Leibowitz’s Photograph Of The Stars Of Sexy Oklahoma!
I am one of the lucky bastards who got to see sexy Oklahoma! for cheap at St.Ann’s Warehouse. It was one of the most amazing pieces of theater I have ever seen. It was also one of the sexiest experiences of my life and like wow did it awaken things in me. Annie Leibowitz, literal icon, photographing its stars just sends me to another plane of being like the black and white and swagger and the smoldering eyes. Jesus Christ.
8. Donna Tartt On Charlie Rose Discussing The Secret History
This is camp. No one at the Met Gala will ever reach this level. She can and should rip out my juggular. When will I be the literal reincarnation of a repressed man from the 20s and write world renowned novels that are just vehichles for my own pretentiousness?
9. Veronica From Riverdale Reading The Secret History
Roberto Aguirre Sacasa posted this on twitter and identified the book for what it is. The funniest part is that Veronica 100% thinks she’s a Camilla but she is like totally the Bunny of her friend group and the arc where Betty goes full Henry and has the group murder her is a long time coming. I can’t believe the entire props department allowed this to happen. I hate the rotten universe in which I exist.
10. Lizzo at The Met Gala
Apparently this outfit wasn’t a Divine tribute but also wasn’t it? Isn’t it literally a spotless Divine tribute? Oh Lizzo we’re really really really in it now. I’m losing my mcfreaking mind. How did Harry Styles in a silk blouse get more attention than this?
11. Andrew Garfield as Prior Walter in Norma Desmond Drag
We all know how I feel about Miss Garfinkel’s portrayal of Prior Walter like does it even need saying? Andrew how can you do this and then show up to the met gala in a lavender tuxedo? What a degenerate.
12. Clea Duvall In That One Scene In But I’m A Cheerleader Which Was My Lesbian Awakening
Me at age 14 about to be shown this movie by my friend on her laptop in my house on a June afternoon in 2014: boy I hope this doesn’t awaken anything in me. The way she’s looking at Natasha Lyonne across the room? I will be looking for this for my entire life.
13. This Shot Of Charles and Sebastian Sharing A Cigarette In The Brideshead Revisited Miniseries
Fellas is it gay to have an intense romantic friendship with a beautiful young man at Oxford and stay with his family and sunbathe naked with him on the roof and say he taught you to love and about all of the beauty in art and life and then to be heartbroken and desperate when he leaves you to be an alcoholic in Morocco and you marry a woman to cope and then end up having an affair with his sister who looks exactly like him and then convert to Catholicism and go back to his house during World War Two and remember him as the happiest time in your life?
14. This Meme Of Loki With Lyrics From “Nobody” By Mitski
That’s it that’s all. I’m gonna go write a paper now.
The Salt Squad 